Marks 807 Observations Throughout Life

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-Only I, and Paul, have the skill to walk into the side of a vehicle moving at 40+ mph. No arguments, only Paul and I.

-School is a Concentration Camp.

-Girls will be the death of you.

-Not having a license is a handicap.

-Linkin Park is a terrible, terrible band.... Terrible.

-Mark Wholers, although throwing 95+ mph, quite often has Jim Leyritz '96 flashbacks, and for this, Wholers should be shot.

-People will constantly and incessantly try to degrade you and drag you down.

-Timothy Conrad is quite possibly the coolest kid on the face of the planet.

-Helen Hunt is a waste of an actress.

-Calling a teacher a "Nazi dictator drunk under his own sense of power" will result in nothing but atrocity.

-Speaking in 1337 HaX0rZ language is surprisingly entertaining, and can make everyday conversation more fun.

-Chicks dig the long ball.

-Singing songs and playing 'air instruments' makes Physics class go by so much faster than usual.

-If your basketball rolls into the street, while you live on a main street, the cars will not slow down. Despite your attempts to hinder their progress from destroying your basketball, people will not pay any attention to you. Jerks.

-All work and no play does, in fact, make Mark a dull boy.

-Life is Pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

-Nathan Conrad's Youth Newsletter is quite possibly the most interesting, and entertaining form of literature ever created.

-Ryan Moran and I can hold entire conversations speaking only in quotes from "The Simpsons" and random movies, a talent I enjoy possessing.

-Ryan Moran and I gravitate towards McDonalds. Don't ask.

-If you listen to the following songs while depressed, you will become more depressed: Fade to Black, Knocking on Heavens Door, Don't Cry, Better Man, and anything written by Nine Inch Nails.

-John McEnroe is now hosting his own game show on television. The world has gone to Hell.

-I have no life.

-None.

-Watching Conan movies over and over and over and over and over and over again, like I do day in day out, only makes the movies better.

-Cheating those Commie's at tripod out of giving me a popup is incredibly gratifying.

-Whoever said 'It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all' is a frigging jackass. That saying is total b.s.

-Love is biochemically no different than eating large quantities of chocolate.

-This isn't an observation, but in the great words of my cousin "whoever invented Gogurt should be drown in that crap."

-Girls are evil...
First we state that girls require time and money:
GIRLS = TIME * MONEY
And then we all know "time is money":
TIME = MONEY
Therefore:
GIRLS = MONEY * MONEY = (MONEY)²
And because "money is the root of all evil":
MONEY = ÖEVIL
Therefore:
GIRLS = (ÖEVIL)²
And we are forced to conclude that:
GIRLS = EVIL
Thank you to Garett Klok and Michael Tamulionis. They verify that mathematics can prove the most important fact in any mans life.

-Life consists of winners and losers. Both will repeatedly get knocked down, the winners just get up faster.

-Computers and "Online" have become the absolute BANE of my existence.

-Mark Cuban is crazier than Ray Knight, Lou Pinella, and Jack Nicholson from 'The Shining' put together. What a psychopath.

-I enjoy hitting women. Yeah you heard me.

-History class is more entertaining than anything imaginable. History class is what gets me through the year.

-After playing basketball in my driveway for no less than 3 hours, it was told to me that the Astros Sub/Pizza shop is closing. My entire food supply for when I am living at Ryans house has been painfully cut off. It was then that I realized that my life has finally hit rock bottom. I really can't think of a way it could possibly get worse, afterall, I'm already a worthless waste of oxygen.

-This whole crazy world is just too frustratin'

-John Gruden is one mean looking bastard.

-I have noticed that most women that are in abusive relationships, usually deserve to get hit. Afterall, everyone needs a slap upside the mouth every now and then.

-Thrashing and bashing people when they aren't around to defend themselves is more fun and entertaining than it should be. And don't try to say that you haven't done it you hypocritical s.o.b's.

-If you're at a St. Johns basketball game with some chick, and that chick tells you she smoked weed the night before, and you get up and frigging leave her there, YOU ARE BAD ASS. You have bigger gonads than I.

-Alicia Silverstone is a Goddess. (In case you are wondering, yes, I am stalking her.)

-Regardless of what Emily Hoelscher says and thinks, my words are Gospel, and my observations are nothing but a bastion of truth. Heed them.

-I know everything. Yeah, I do.

-Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, is the man. You could stand him up at the gates of Hell and he would laugh.

-Anyone who uses the word 'cranky' in a sentence, besides elderly women, is queer. Yeah, you're a PIG just for using that word.

-"Oh you're ALWAYS hungry."

-Steve Barker and I make badminton one of the most competetive sports known to man. Gym class badminton rules.

-Pete & Pete is hands down the greatest television series ever. I could die a happy man if I was able to acquire all of the episodes on vhs/dvd/mpeg.

-West Bridgewater High School basketball is one of the most entertaining sports around (it ranks up there with gym class badminton).

-Willow is the greatest movie involving midgets.

-Winning is EVERYTHING.

-My most productive weekend occurred January 26/27, I played a video game for 6 and 1/2 hours straight without sleeping, eating, or urinating. Somebody please kill me.

-"Douging it up" and "Dougs it" have become permanent staples in my every day vocabulary.

-If vampires can't find any blood to drink, they'll use red juice as a substitute.

-If you loan your calculator to a girl, you'll never get it back. (whatever that means.)

-There is no crying in baseball.

-People who tattoo and pierce themselves all over their body and then say they do it "to express themselves" are full of crap.

-Brian O'Donnell is a genius. Listen to 91.3, Fridays, 6-9 A.M. 'The Hood' Brooks Place - North Elm top of the food chain.

-Keyser Soze is one of, if not the most bad ass character in any movie. I do believe in God... but the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze.

-The cops have every right to shoot you if you run from them. If you run, you are guilty.

-If you sing "Hey Doctor, fix me I'm damaged. There's a pain where there used to be a heart..." by the Rolling Stones as the nurses wheel you in for heart surgery, you are a gutsy fellow, and one tough dude. Rock on Bill.

-For my next observation I would like to quote Nolan Ryan and Ty Cobb (in that order): "One of the beautiful things about baseball is that every once in a while you come into a situation where you want to, and where you have to, reach down and prove something." "Baseball is a red-blooded sport for red-blooded men. It's no pink tea, and pussies had better stay out. It's a struggle for supremacy, a survival of the fittest."

-People who take their music so seriously that it dictates the way they live life should be hanged.

-When you think women are completely ignorant to the occurances around them, that is exactly the time they are plotting against you.

-Life, right now, is so boring that there is very little worth observing.

-Michael knows his stuff.

-Old people, while slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can sometimes still serve a purpose.

-The New England Patriots were shown no respect throughout the entire NFL season, not until AFTER they won the SuperBowl did they get the recognition they all deserve. Rock on Pats.

-I don't intend to offend. I just offend with my intent.

-When you don't know something about someone, you must assume they know every skill there is to know. You must assume every word, gesture, look, and posture is predetermined with an overall purpose. You must.

-1v1 badminton against Steve Barker is intense.

-Michael really does know his stuff.

-Paul sitting behind me in driver's ed is reminisent of last year in Mrs. Kelley's History Class. Paul's hilarity will get me through the non-English speaking monotony of driver's ed.

-Well laid plans that take hours of your thought and man power NEVER go as they are supposed to.

-After you stop believing in Santa Claus, the whole world goes downhill.

-The giant "MOTHAF***A!!" Ving Rhames, who plays Marsellus Wallace, lets out in the movie 'Pulp Fiction' is HILARIOUS. I recommend watching that movie, just for that one line.

-Living life is hazardous to your health.

-Giving women the right to vote is the biggest mistake the United States ever made.

-There isn't one single woman on this entire planet that can drive well. All women cannot drive. Plain and simple.

-Apocolypse Now is an awesome movie, however, is so strange and confusing, it will leave you cross-eyed and perplexed.

-Napalm really smells like victory.

-If you want people to worship you, go to India and moo.

-According to Matt Regan, the bomb is going to be dropped on me by/around Friday... May God have mercy on my soul.

-"You must love yourself" ...this is according to my Drivers Ed guy anyways.

-Energy derives from both the plus and negative.

-Li Mu Bai is the greatest swordsman from any movie, ever. No arguments.

-The only man to celebrate Valentine's Day correctly is Al Capone.

-"...My back hurts..." -G.

-"I threw my back out playing badminton." -G.

-Surround Sound is the work of Jesus Christ Himself. I'd like to take this time to thank the Lord for giving Ryan Surround Sound and thus making our lives complete. Amen.

-Fascism is coming back.

-The saddest thing in life is wasted talent. Remember that.

-Fear. Fear is what keeps your people loyal.

-Among the woman population, there is no difference between friends and enemies, except when ones' back is turned.

-Collateral Damage was terrible. I had expected it to be another Arnold, shoot 'em up, killin' people in mass amounts, type of movie. BUT NO. It was 2 hours long and Arnold didn't shoot ANYONE. Not a single soul was blown away. Sure, he set off a grenade or two, in which people were ASSUMED killed, but there was no true battle scenes in which Arnold blasted 200 people by himself with a big gun. What is this world coming to? A 16 year old kid goes to the movies, pays $8.50 to see Arnold shoot everything in sight with an M-60, and what does he get? A big dumb Austrian that CHUMPS out. I am disgusted. ::spits::

-Dan Duquette always looks like he has just woke up from a hangover / drug binge.

-Dan Duquette is the New York Yankees' most valuable asset.

-190,000 fans of NASCAR showed up to watch the Daytona 500. All 190,000 of those people should be shot. NASCAR is equally as worthless as Collateral Damage.

-Gonads in the lightning. In the lightning. In the rain.

-If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

-Hatred has a strong influence on a weak mind.

-I am being stalked. Help me.

-Apologies are like strippers. Everybody needs a couple of good ones every now and then, but they don't mean anything.

-I believe O.J. is still looking for the killer and that he must have gotten information that the killer plays a lot of golf and goes to rap concerts. I believe for every drop of rain a flower grows, that somewhere in the darkest night a candle glows, and that children are our future. I believe in love. And I believe in the small of a woman's back, the hangin' curve ball, high fiber, good Scotch, and I believe in long, slow, deep, wet kisses that last three days.

-Soy un perdedor.

-Hart's War was a better movie than Collateral Damage. More people died too, which is always a plus.

-The Glutton Bowl. The epitome of ignorance in today's society. A group of slobs gather together to gorge themselves, eating things that would make a billy goat puke, all in front of a live audience along with millions (or as Nathan says, 47) of television viewers. Has our civilization gone so horribly awry that people are actually entertained with this disgusting tripe? Or has the FOX Broadcasting company just reached a new low? A little from both, I believe.

-Hockey is good. In all its forms.

-When a girl calls you 4 times in a matter of minutes, and then drives by your house, it's time to get a restraining order.

-Open ice hits are good.

-If you use the following words in everyday vocabulary, you are indeed homosexual... not that there's anything wrong with that... ahem... : nap, flustered, grumpy, and grouchy. And that goes for cranky too, which was mentioned in a previous observation.

-Ryan Moran is a Communist.

-Victory... Victory is the sweetest taste on anyones lips. Victory... it is forever sweet.

-One of the greatest, and truest articles ever written. Read it: http://espn.go.com/page2/s/halloran/020226.html

-"Is your mouth full of cock?" -G. a.k.a the most RANDOM kid on the Earth.

-Battery is the most adrenaline-pumping song. Listen to this before all sporting events and you will tear the limbs off the other team. Mike, listen to it, you'll be tearing kids' heads off.

-Blaring Guns N' Roses to all the brotha's on the streets of Brockton at 11 o'clock at night is fun. More fun than it should be.

-Plays ain't cricket.

-The regret of not doing something you wanted to do is one of the worst feelings in the world.

-If you meet a chick thats really hot and you want to get to know her, she's 12.

-Wheeties is the breakfast of champions.

-"Winning isn't everything -- It's second to breathing."

-Andrew is the absolute freakin' MAN. Good luck and Godspeed on your way to "The 'Ghan" Rock on my brotha.

-Cara is the best cheerleader in the ENTIRE world.

-Pepe, the Gay Waitor, works at Ruby Tuesdays.

-Tom, Bill's boss, is getting a fricken baseball bat to the head. Louisville Slugger upside his friggin' cranium, bring it tough guy, it's brawl time.

-"That was definitely a walk by... A walk by RAPING." -G.

-I was kidnapped today, drugged, beaten, abused. It was not fun, and I will have my vengence, in this life or the next.

-Non-talented people performing in a Talent Show is mighty entertaining. Woo Hoo.

-I should have taken my chance when I saw the opportunity. BLAST IT ALL!

-When my activites in this world are through, and my time on this Earth has passed, I want to be buried upside down so my critics can kiss my ass. God Bless Bobby Knight.

-If a friend dives, fully extended, and puts his own life on the line, just to save your basketball from going into the street... You've got a true friend.

-You've got to lose to know how to WIN.

-Vicarious existance is a frigging waste of time.

-When a girl says "we need to talk," NOTHING good ever follows.

-"I pity the pretzel thats blacker than a black man." -G. ...right G...

-"When you guys are watching TRL, Im watching PORN." -G.

-I AM A FRIGGING CHUMP.

-I thought the FOX Broadcasting company hit rock bottom with the "Glutton Bowl," but yet again those genius's prove me wrong with their latest installment of quality programming with "Celebrity Boxing." This wasn't even mildly entertaining, however good to see that Vanilla Ice isn't dead.

-Family Guy is the funniest show on television. My God, the hilarity just doesn't stop.

-The memory of Nocera's, with great coaching by Mike Samarcco and Mark Picorro, will forever live on.

-Matty watches Conan: The Destroyer every frigging day. I love it though.

-Conan: The Barbarian is a better movie than Conan: The Destroyer.

-What I want, you cannot give me.

-Ryan Mahoney is the man. The first fly ball of the season hit to him, he dove in a freezing cold puddle of water to catch. It was snowing and hailing out at the time, and the fact that Mahoney did this makes him a God among men.

-Sometimes you need to smash a kids head against the wall to get through to him that he needs to stay the HELL out of your room.

-Michael is going to kill some people. Maybe even lots of people.

-Andy Richter Controls the Universe is genius. Pure genius.

-Baseball is the greatest sport of all time.

-Jason Williams made me weep.

-The price for touching Marks' hat is death by be-heading.

-Go have another donut you fat bastard. Dedicated to Jay Pianadosi.

-RDC will one day rule the universe.

-Violence solves nothing, but it is surprisingly entertaining. So I encourage it all the more.

-Words don't solve problems, shotguns solve problems.

-Friends will help you move. True friends will help you move bodies.

-The Pink Panther is an absolutely hilarious movie, and all of it's sequels are equally as comical. Anyone who has not seen The Pink Panther is brutally deprived.

-Baseball is life.

-Women always get what they want. Guys always get the crap-end of the stick. And Pat and I are frigging sick of it.

-In Memory of My Routine, I dedicate this to Lynette Andrews:
-Mail Box.
-Magliano's Used to Live There.
-::Slam my head against the window::
-The Ducks!!
-And you do go flying down that hill.
May the memory live on forever.

-It is naive to think you can change the way people really are.

-"Gutta love the pussy." -G.

-Yahoo! Pool gives me a reason to live.

-6 x 6 Matrices are the work of Lucifer, himself.

-The only way to truly celebrate completing "THE MATRIX" is to fall to your knees, raise your arms in victory, and shout at the top of your lungs.

-West Bridgewater at Westport. One of the greatest high school baseball games in history. Who came out on top? You're damn right we did.

-Ryan Moran and I have the greatest Pool rivalry. One day, it will result in one of our deaths.

-"I've been to Hell... It's in Mexico." -G.

-For Nathan: Women only hurt.

-Lynette loves big bald reggin cooks. Its true. She does.

-Baseball is the only thing that makes sense in life.

-Billy Idol knows.

-Mr. Sylvain is indeed Superman. I dare anyone to prove otherwise.

-There is no taste difference between pink lemonade and regular lemonade, and screw all of you who say/think differently.

-Imperialistic Communist GRAB ASSES run Major League Baseball. It is our God-given right as baseball fans to see/hear the games we want, WHEN WE WANT THEM. Instead, Bud Selig and his team of hog swallowing, brown noses black out the games and the radio stations, for everyone in the frigging country, except for the people who happen to be in the "region" of where the team is playing. If an All-American boy wishes to watch a baseball game, he should be able to do so without having to be OPPRESSED by the pigs in the MLB. Screw you Bud Selig, and screw all of your lackey's.

-I saw Pete & Pete for the first time in about 6 years. I haven't felt this happy in so long. My elation and euphoria exceeds anything imaginable at this point. God Bless Pete & Pete.

-Getting carded going into a movie theater is not a good way to impress girls.

-Panic Room is a hilarious movie. God-awful, but hilarious nonetheless.

-That's gonna cost ya Tinker Bell.

-The biggest regrets in life are the risks you didn't take.

-Don't sweat the little things, and everything in life is a little thing.

-The only people that can appreciate the "TRUE GREATNESS" of Brooks Place are the Kravetz's, the O.D's and the Tamulionis Clan. Top of the food chain. What What.

-Brian O'Donnel, or Beebes O.D. as he is commonly known, looks just like Big Pete from Pete & Pete. Whether he believes it or not.

-Mrs Kelley's class causes chronic headaches in both me and Danielle. We believe it could be the heater, but we will never know for sure.

-17 years and counting. 17 years in a row it has rained on my birthday.

-Nathan's List of "Things that may or may not have any relevancy to you" is the best birthday present I have ever recieved. Thank you.

-The Ice Hockey Rink, at UConn, labels their restrooms "Toilet Room." How attractive.

-Pat Gallant is the NASTIEST catcher in Stoughton. Kid is filthy.

-Yngwie Malmsteen is the greatest guitarist ever.

-The very existence of flamethrowers proves that somewhere, sometime, someone said to themselves, "you know what? I really want to set that person over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

-"I guess she had a smelly under-carriage" -G.

-"Let the black people do the black people." -G.

-Harassing random people online with Matt Regan, quoting from the movie 'Ransom' is one of my favorite past times.

-Artie truly is the strongest man... In the world.

-Stealing flags from the Town Park after dark just ain't kosher, dawg.

-I can't field a frigging ground ball.

-I finally got my license, thus rendering me no longer handicapped.

-If you go on a road test and the officer makes you parallel park four times, then that officer does NOT like you.

-Creating observations of this calibur, which I have done for so long, isn't that easy, so Steve can suck me off.

-I've never owned a slave, or was a slave. I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks. And neither have you, so shut up already.

-School has evolved from being a concentration camp, to being a concentration camp where all I do is play poker.

-School does nothing but feed my gambling habits.

-This year, for me and several other people, school ended in November.

-No one, not one single person, in Brockton knows how to drive. Morons.

-People who say 'prom' instead of 'the prom' piss me off. It's a noun for crying out loud, you don't say "I'm going to house" do you? Everyone who dissagrees can piss off.

-Women are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken, and the only ones that are left are handicapped. Thanks to Nate Dawg.

-Rondell White, or Rondell Black as I like to call him, sucks. He ranks up there with Joe Girardi, Cecil "the cess pool" Fielder, and Chuck Knoblauch on the scale of SUCK.

-Why do the Yankees insist on making the Red Sox bullpen look like a group of reincarnations of Christ, himself?

-Know what pisses me off? The friggin' Red Sox announcers that spoke of Shea Hillenbrand like he could walk on water. He got 4 hits against the Yankees in a game, and the announcers acted like it was some sort of record. Three of those friggin' hits were infield friggin' singles that he barely beat out, and they speak of him like he is the next Joe DiMaggio or next Ted Williams. Those Red Sox announcers are some of the worst in baseball, and dare I say it, may rank up there with Bob Costas. Oh yeah, Shea Hillenbrand is on steroids.

-Ya know, the last time the Red Sox won the World series was in 1918. All the people that saw that series are dead. I say they made it up. -Bill Donnelly

-Uno-Dos-Zesty is one helluva game. Even though Cara cheats.

-Eighty percent of people that hear your problems don't care, and the other twenty percent are glad you're having them. -Tommy Lasorda

-I am White. And I like White things.

-Rebecca Cole made my 8th grade year in Stoughton rule. It ruled so much that I never went back. HAHAHA.

-Anabolic steroids, testosterone enhancers, and pituitary stimulants are taking away from the game of baseball in every aspect. As a baseball fan, and as an American, I am whole-heartedly dissapointed.

-Flipping over four foot fences in order to catch foul balls is what baseball / softball is all about. Varsity 26. Faculty 4.

-The following homerun calls are dedicated to the following people:
Luis: "HOLY COW"
Greg: "Bonsoir, elle est partie!" French for "So long, she's gone!"
Mike: "Get up, get outa here, gone"
Mark:"They usually show movies on a flight like that."
Dennis:"You can put it on the board... YESSSSSSS!"
Mr. Sylvain (Superman):"Back, back, back, back... Gone!"
Mr. Abate:"Open the window Aunt Minnie, here it comes!"
RYAN MAHONEY FRIGGIN' RULES!!!

-I didn't steal Danielle's keyboard.

-Keri Kravetz will never be as good as me in gym class softball, but damn is she nasty for the high school. NASTY.

-I recently read an article where a woman accused a police K-9, thats a DOG for you ignorant people out there, for racial profiling. RACIAL PROFILING. Yes, a black woman indeed accused a dog of being a racist. And you know what? They are actually considering putting this dog to sleep... because it is a racist dog. I ask you people, what is this world coming to when an African-American can accuse anyone or ANYTHING of racial profiling, regardless of the consequences, and actually get whatever they want in hopes to make them happy. What the HELL is this society coming to.

-Power corupts. Absolute Power is actually pretty neat.

-The Cable Guy is a depressing movie.

-I like at the end of Dirty Harry when Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood) throws his badge into the lake as if he's quitting his job on the force. When in actuallity he goes on to make several other Dirty Harry movies.

-Summer is good. Summer is what keeps me alive.

-The Summer of 2000 was the greatest summer of all time.

-Despite what Tony Valdez says, my Observations are not a "horrible list of rambling and total B.S" but instead is a wonderful list of rambling filled with TRUTH. AND NOTHING BUT TRUTH. You unappreciative bastard.

-I get so much ass call me an ass-tronot

-Women are just too easy. Sometimes I think I need a challenge, maybe I'll start warming up to cats. At least they make you work for their affection. ...A Mike Tamulionis Original.

-I've said it before and I'll say it again, Democracy simply doesn't work.

-Whiffle Ball is the greatest summer backyard sport of all time.

-Ultimate Fighting Championship is great. Men fighting in a caged octogon using any style or technique that works, in an attempt to KILL the other guy purely for my enjoyment. I love it.

-In the first decision of its kind, a federal appeals court on Wednesday declared the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional because the words "under God" added by Congress in 1954 amount to an endorsement of religion.--msnbc.com/news

"If you think it is unconstitiounal then consider this, the words "under God" don't refer to a specific religion, they don't try to persuade you to become religious, doesn't interfere with freedom of worship and they in no way shape or form interfere with your everyday life, so find something better to do with your time, because you want to know what, you don't run this country, no one cares about you, and if you don't like it then leave. No ones stopping you from going to Iran or Iraq where they will be more receptive to your anti-American ways, just don't let the door hit you in the ass when you leave"

Above is a direct quote from Ryan Mahoney. I've said it before, and I will say it again, he is a genius. A God among men. A revolutionary who has the power and the intelligence to rise up and lead the rest of us to the greatness we deserve and shall fight for. God Bless America. And God Bless Ryan Mahoney.

-"You should never waste a good hard on." -Ryan

-Tino can make me laugh after every single thing he says.

-I'm hungry.

-Ryan and I recieved an Omen. A message from God. Something to direct us to greatness... We realized the freak occurance meant something, what exactly we were unsure. However, I am afraid we missed our chance for greatness, we missed our purpose that God set out for us. I fear we have missed our chance.

-Eric Gagne is a friggin' BEAST. He is the man.

-If the players of MLB go on another strike or "work stoppage" than baseball as we know it will crumble. Worse than '94, where players performed in front of dozens of "fans" up until the 1998 season where Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, and the New York Yankees single handedly brought the fans back. I fear that baseball may never recover from another strike, even if another Home Run race occurs, because we've all seen it done, and it doesn't even seem that great if a man hits 65 home runs in one season. If the players union goes on strike Im becoming a full time Lacrosse fan.

-Remember Mr. O'Brien? Yeah, he sucked.

-Some little old lady tipped me today for carrying all her stuff out to her car. She made my day.

-The 2002 Home Run Derby was the best I have ever seen. Sammy Sosa hit 7 500+ foot home runs, which is absolutely incredible, but the real victor was Jason Giambi who hit 7 home runs in the final round to win it. He's the man.

-Luis' "CALOVIA!!" will be missed by me so much next year during the baseball season. It makes me weep.

-Baseball is a game with no ties. None. And in the showcase of baseball, the MidSummer Classic, they call a tie. Worst All-Star game ever.

-Did any of you notice how Miller Park looks like a giant vagina from the sky? Not to sound perverted, or disrespectful in any way, but it does, I swear.

-There is this guy that comes into Pool 'N' Play that looks like Jose Lima. For those of you who don't know who Jose Lima is, he was a pitcher for the Astros. A few years back he was one of the nastiest pitchers in baseball, then all of a sudden the next year he went like 1-11. He had Mark Wholers-esque trauma, and hasn't been able to bounce back. I also have no clue as to if he is still playing baseball / actually breathing. So to make a long story short, theres this guy that comes into Pool 'N' Play that looks like Jose Lima. Thank you.

-A secret can be kept between three people if two of those three are dead.

-I had the most messed up dream of my entire existance last night.

-Matt Regan is crazy. I don't know why this observation hasn't been added before, because that kid is simply out of his mind. We all just thought he was gay, but on further inspection, it turns out he is just absolutely crazy. Nuts. Out of his mind. Off his rocker. Thats him.

-The Funway Batting Cages are terrible. They always get jammed, and when they don't get jammed they either hurl the ball at your head, or straight into the ground. Awful batting cages, awful.

-The girl of my dreams works at Peaceful Meadows.

-Road to Perdition was the best movie I have ever seen. It is allowed to be honored with the statement 'the best crime drama since The Godfather.' Yes, it's that good.

-The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are bad for baseball. Everyone bitches and complains about competetive balance, and that the Yankees are bad for baseball. Thats wrong. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are disgusting, they are an embarrassment to baseball, and shouldn't be allowed to play the Brockton Rox. I watched the Red Sox - Tampa Bay game today and I saw the most horrendous, disgusting, awful baseball game of all time. It was an embarrassment to baseball fans all over America.

-"Diddling may seem fun at first, but it soon becomes an addiction that takes over your life." -Paul

-Captain Gaylord works at Campanelli Stadium.

-That part in The Deer Hunter where Robert De Niro and Christopher Walken are playing Russian Roulette in Vietnam is awesome. The best part is when De Niro demands there be 3 bullets in the gun and then screams in the gooks' face as he pulls the trigger on himself. I love it.

-The movie "Speed" sucks. Keanu Reeves is one step away from being a mental retard.

-If Pat does the impossible, if Pat does what only others have dreamed of, he will go down in history.

-Everytime Ryan or I hears the song "Sad But True" by Metallica, on the radio, something bad happens. Most of the time it's something bad happening to me.

-I love pancakes. I really do.

-It's better to swallow blood than to swallow pride.

-Women will lie, cheat, and decieve to get whatever they want. They are pathetic, vile pieces of meat that should be treated in accordance with how they truly exist. Women will use you only to befriend you in the end as they achieve their overall goal. With the exception of the few truly pure women left in existance, women should be used, and tossed aside, for our mere amusement and pleasure until we are through. Until I am proven otherwise, this is the wholesome truth, and only a miracle will cause a change in heart.

-After talking with Andrew 'The Droid' for a half hour, I have come to the conclusion that he is still one of the funniest and coolest kids in existance.

-Tool makes me angry.

-My family is absolutely out of control.

-I am a good ol' rebel, now that's just what I am. And for this Yankee nation, I do not give a damn. I'm glad I fought against her, I only wish we'd won. I don't ask any pardon, for anything I've done.

-Death comes for Bud Selig. And Deaths' name is Mark Tamulionis.

-I'm a small town white boy, just trying to make end's meat.

-Lord of the Rings was absolutely epic, and Legolas is the freakin' man.

-Ryan and I are talented car theives. We can break into most any car at anytime, using self-made tools. My two vents held together with the clips to a visor mirror to unlock the doors of other cars is our tool of choice.

-Pimpin' it up on the beach with Timmy has got the be the funnest thing to do.

-"Hey, wanna meet my half cousin" is the best pick-up line ever created. I pioneered its use.

-Capitalism sucks. So does inflation. Confound it all.

-I shouldn't have to pay $40 bucks for a pair of pants that cost $1 to make by some poor 9 year old in a sweat shop in Taiwan. Give me the cloth and I'll cut and stitch my own pair of bloody pants.

-Ashlee is special, damn special.

-Pat has 8 career concussions. Pat, by all means of logic, should be dead.

-I beat the ever-loving Hell out of Matty due to shear boredom.

-20th Century History with Mrs. Kelley is going to get me through this school year. This one class alone is going to keep my sanity, as long as several people in the class lose their own in order to keep me entertained. Afterall, first day of school there is going to be a party thanks to Danielle. For all you bastards in that class that read my observations, heed my words, bring in food and soda the first day of school. We're starting this year off right, damnit.

-I can't open envelopes.

-Be patient. I must keep reminding myself of this.

-Cara isn't a ditz.

-The greatest gun fight in any movie is in the movie Heat. Robert DeNiro, Val Kilmer, and Tom Sizemore walk the streets exchanging bullets with over 50 police officers for like 10 minutes. It's awesome.

-The Monkey Island computer games is one of the greatest series of games ever. Adventure mixed with hilarity, all blended together perfectly to form some of the greatest adventure games ever.

-Given an hour and an attentive audience, I can mold and brainwash whomever I want into an unholy army of the night.

-The following are funny French Canadian sayings, as told by Bill:
"I went into the shed to get my axe, and there it was on the wall... gone."
"Run me over with your car... to the store."
"Throw me down the stairs... my shoes."
"He hit me with a four by twice."
"I want two eggs side by each, and a pair of toast."
When these are said by Bill in a mock French Canadian accent, they are pretty damn funny.

-Bara Lane is my princess.

-Paul LOVES the "deer eyes."

-Drag racing with Ryan, and then seeing him out smart the police was the absolute perfect way to end the summer. It couldn't have been any better.

-That Verizon commercial where the guy stares at the ferret until the ferret attacks him has got to be the funniest commercial on television. You all really have to see it, it's pure genius.

-Just when I thought life couldn't possibly get any worse, school starts. And my life spirals into a pit of despair when school enters my everyday activities once again. Undying spite I feel for school.

-Any girl that can stand being my girlfriend for a year, deserves a spot in my observations. Because it was never done before, and it'll never be done again. That is for Jess.

-I'm still alive.

-"Mark's Observations Throughout Life is the greatest collection of quotes, ideas, and words of wisdom since the Bible." -Ryan Mahoney. That, my friends and loyal readers, is exactly what I was going for. Thank you.

-Steve Barker coined the phrase "projects cause family problems." This is indeed the truth, projects are the sole cause of the 50% divorce rate in this country. They tear families apart.

-In memory of September 11, 2001, I write the lyrics to the song "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" by Toby Keith:
American girls and American guys
Will always stand up and salute
Will always recognize
When we see Old Glory flyin'
There's a lot of men dead
So we can sleep in peace at night when we lay down our heads...
My daddy served in the Army
Where he lost his right eye
But he flew a flag out in our yard
'Til the day that he died
He wanted my mother, my brothers,
My sister, and me
To grow up and live happy
In the land of the free...
Now this nation that I love
Has fallen under attack
A mighty sucker punch came flying in
From somewhere in the back
But as soon as we could see clearly
Through our big black eye
Man, WE LIT UP YOUR WORLD LIKE THE FOURTH OF JULY!
Hey, Uncle Sam put your name
At the top of his list
And the Statue Of Liberty
Started shakin' her fist
And the Eagle will fly
And there's gonna be Hell
When you hear Mother Freedom
Start ringin' her bell
And it'll feel like
The whole wide world is rainin' down on you
Oh, brought to you courtesy
Of the Red, White, And Blue...
Oh, Justice will be served
And the battle will rage
This big dog will fight
When you rattle his cage
And you'll be sorry that you messed with
The U S of A
'Cause we'll PUT A BOOT IN YOUR ASS
IT'S THE AMERICAN WAY!!
Hey, Uncle Sam put your name
At the top of his list
And the Statue Of Liberty
Started shakin' her fist
And the Eagle will fly
And there's gonna be hell
When you hear Mother Freedom
Start ringin' her bell
And it'll feel like
The whole wide world is rainin' down on you
Oh, brought to you courtesy
Of the Red, White, And Blue... oh

-My friend Pat Gallant informed me today, September 11th 2002, that a kid in his school was wearing an Anti-American shirt. Now, Pat (who had his face painted red, white and blue) proceeded to verbally berate this kid, and then eventually pound his face in. Now, this observation goes out to all you unappreciative, naive, sons of bitches out there who have the BALLS to strut around with Anti-American paraphenilia. You people make me fucking sick. It literally makes me physically sick to hear about stuff like this. Do you sick bastards get off at stuff like this? Do you think it's some sick joke that you can laugh about with your homo friends? Screw you. Screw all of you. I would love to see you guys live life without your fucking parents, and without the freedom this country provides. Go to a Communist nation like Vietnam or Cuba, or go to Iraq or Afghanastan, where they STRIP you of the freedom that America provides. Where they won't hesitate to kill you if you complain that you don't have enough money to feed your starving family. Where you live and root in filth. But no, you are ALLOWED to wear your Anti-American shirts, you're ALLOWED to express your distaste for America. Know why? Because you have the FREEDOM TO DO SO. Anybody like the person I have mentioned deserves to die. Love it or leave it. We don't need people like you. And don't let the door hit your ass on your way out. Thank you.

-Whiffle Ball, Street Football, Street Hockey. True tests of manhood.

-For my 300th observation, I would like to pay homage to the people in my life who truly deserve the honor. First, Ryan Moran, for being my own personal therapist and for listening to me for hours upon end without telling me to shut up. Second, Matthew Regan for being able to make me fall to the ground with laughter and for letting the things I say to him roll off his back, instead of taking personal offense. Third, Paul Keith, for making all of our sleepovers complete with his crazy antics. My brother, Michael, for his unsurpassable, infinite wisdom and advice when it comes to women. Pat Gallant for being the absolute friggin' man. Tino Valdez for being able to make me laugh at anything he says, and for his "latin-lover" advice. Jessica Baer for putting up with my crap, afterall, she is the only one who has been able to. Ashlee Downing for being the COOLEST FRIGGIN' CHICK. Carissa Everett for being my home-dawg and my homie. Steve Barker for making history class so damn hilarious. And for my cousins Nathan and Timmy for all the times sitting in our respective basements during the holidays and playing "Fatty McGee." All of these people have kept me alive and will continue to do so. Therefore they deserve to be honored in my commemorative 300th observation.

-"Some say being a bitch is all a woman has to hang onto, but i say a piece of rope is all a bitch has to hang from." -Tino's Motto.

-As of right now, Death would be a release. Not a punishment.

-Sex me up, plz.

-"Kids Say the Darndest Things" is one of the worst comedy shows on television. Now don't get me wrong, I love Bill Cosby, he's one funny brotha, but the friggin' kids aren't funny. They're 9 year old snots that don't know their ass from their elbow. And its annoying and boring. It has to stop.

-Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius

-You can do anything at Zombocom. Anything at all. The only limit is yourself. Anything is possible at Zombocom. The infinite is possible at Zombocom. The unattainable is unknown at Zombocom.

-Chillin at Ryans just keeps getting better and better.

-One man's fun is anothers Hell.

-Misery loves company.

-I fucking hate my life.

-I get jealous very easily. It's odd that I do, sometimes for very senseless reasons, but it cannot be helped. I am a self-conscious, jealous person.

-Also, I am mean, opinionated, presumptuous, rude, bigoted, and an asshole. I'm proud of it too.

-Pimpin' aint easy, but it's necessary.

-SNL's Jack Handy quotes are some of the funniest things ever conceived.

-In the Warren Report they noted over 40 people claimed to see a gashing wound as part of Kennedy's skull and brain flew out. Jackie Kennedy was one of the people. Yet, in the Warren report, autopsy photographs show no such hole. Were all those people wrong? Oddly enough we now see more autopsy photos and the actual assassination (where Jackie has to get out of her seat and grab the fragment of her husbands skull that flew off) that shows that the big hole does exist. Why was it covered up? Maybe because the wound was so large that it was clear it was an exit wound. If it was an exit wound, it had to come from the front. That proves the theory is correct, there was more then three shots and there was more then one assassin. Oswald was right, he was a patsy.

-"People who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch." -Jack Nicholson

-First The Glutton Bowl. Then Celebrity Boxing. Now... Celebrity Boot Camp. I wish nothing but Death, War, Famine, and Pestilince upon the people at FOX Broadcasting.

-The problem with today's society is ignorance. Ignorance and stupidity. Stupid people just shouldn't breed.

-I stay up late at night and think of Janet Ingargiola. Happy Birthday.

-Chicks dig athletes and rock stars. Damn, I wish I was a rock star.

-Red Dragon was friggin' awesome. Puts Hannibal to shame, as well it should.

-For those baseball fans out there that hate the New York Yankees because of all the money they spend, I would just like to say... wait until you see what's coming up. After losing in the ALDS, you will see Steinbrenner eat more contracts than ever before, and will sign more giant players than people have ever fathomed. Cashman? As much as I hate to say it, will probably be gone, 3 year contract bought out. Posada? He's signed for pretty much the rest of his natural life. So either, Steinbrenner will go out of his way to get rid of him, or slap the ever loving Hell out of him. Clemens? Gone. El Duque? Gone. Moose? Better get his act together. Petitte? Arm cut off. Glavine? Maddux? Don't be surprised if the payroll goes over $200 Million. And for all you people who will undoubtedly piss and moan about him spending so much money, shut up. Unless you are the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, the owner of your favorite team has just as much, if not more money than Steinbrenner. Steinbrenner just works harder at it. He will sell the shirt off his back if it means getting another World Series Ring. And the Anaheim Angels? Steinbrenner will pay to have everyone of them killed. And that's why I love him.

-I hate school.

-Getting painted up for high school soccer games is pure devotion.

-Why is everyone so fake all of a sudden? Whatever happened to hating everyone and letting them know it? Now, everyone hates everyone, but they act differently to their faces. The Hell with that, if I hate you, you know it.

-I love it when people I don't even know will stop me and scream my name in praise for my observations.

-May God have mercy on the souls of all the women on the campus of the college Pat and I attend together. We're going to have some fun.

-Judge not, lest ye be judged yourself.

-Paul licked all the candy off of a candy apple. I ask you, how can this man be single?

-MUUAAK!! MAKE YOUR SISTA SOME MACCARONI!!

-I give women concussions.

-Folks... It's time for me to express my feelings towards ignorant, snobby, stuck up, slutty bitches. I hate them. You all know who I'm talking about. The ones that pretend to be nice to everyone, but sit in their little cirlce and turn into vicious demons the second you're out of earshot. The ones that stop all conversation when you walk by. The ones that if for some reason get pissed off at you, try to get all the other rotten bitches around them to act just the same. Every school, community, or college has them. And everyone hates them accept for themselves. Well, I'm saying it publically, and all the hoes that read this know exactly who I'm talking to.

-I have recently caught a little flack for my observations. Certain persons/people are becoming "offended" by my words, one of which doesn't even know me, have never seen or met me, and thus wouldn't understand almost half of the stuff in my observations. So to shut said people up, I would like to quote Guns N' Roses. "Don't hail me, and don't idolize the ink, or I've failed in my intentions, can you find the missing link? Your only validation is IN LIVING YOUR OWN LIFE. Vicarious existance is a fucking waste of time." Again, if anyone has a problem with my observations, please feel free to E-Mail Me. Otherwise, shut the hell up, if you have a problem with my observations then don't read them. If you're going to disrespect myself or my work, then say it to me, not a third party. You pansy.

-It has become apparent to me that outside of this town, with the exception of a mere few that live here, there are indeed sweet, intelligent, attractive women. I must apologize for previous comments because they obviously don't apply to every woman in the world. Just most of the ones around here.

-Go Go Power Rangers.

-"If I were to become a CIA agent, I'd probably tell my friends secret, classified government crap if they asked." -Matt Regan. It's true, I would too.

-"There's no excuse... NO EXCUSE for the Simpsons being replaced by Just Shoot Me and The Nanny. Someone needs to write Fox a letter and tell them that we want more Simpsons and less crap." -Matt Regan.

-"WB sucks, full of fucking cunts and ugly chicks, FUCK THEM, we have seen the light, and the light is anywhere but WB." -Paul Keith, a lover of all, as you can tell.

-Everybody Loves Raymond is a hilarious show. I love it.

-Ryan Mahoney. He has proven to myself, and the rest of you, time and time again that he is one of the most intelligent, thoughtful, God-like men I have ever met. Did I mention he was incredibly good looking as well? Today, he once again proves to us all that he will one day lead us to the Promised Land. "Mark has once again updated is Observations, just when I thought my day couldnt get any better, Mark goes and does this, which proves that he is a god among men, and to those bitches who bitched about his profile, I give you once piece of advice: Heed his words because it is a privilage, NOT a right to read them and if you got a problem, guess what no one cares, shut the f*** up and leave, just dont let the door hit you in the ass on your way out..." Thank you Ryan. Thank you.

-Super Troopers is a funny movie.

-Have you ever just got down on your knees and thanked God that you know me, and have access to my dimentia?! If not, you should.

-Today I went to a website that made tears roll down my face in laughter. One sick, twisted, disturbed individual made this site, and I am oh so thankful that he/she did so. I love it. Go Here.

-I've got the understanding of a 4 year old. I've got the peace of mind of a killer's soul. I've got the rational of a New York Cop. I've got the patience of a chopping block.

-Flipping a coin solves all of lifes important decisions quickly and easily. With no regrets.

-Road trips with Pat RULE.

-Remember the show "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" I loved that show. It used to be a huge deal to stay up all the way to 9:30pm and watch that on SNICK on Saturday nights. I just got through watching "new" episodes of the show, and it just isn't the same. I wish they would bring back the original.

-The Nightmare Before Christmas is an excellent movie.

-I am only arrogant because I am better than you.

-I have an unspoken bond, a rapport with Janet Ingargiola through Tiny Toons. She knows what I'm talking about.

-Mr. Sylvain is the best damn teacher ever, and quite possibly the coolest guy on Earth.

-Matt Regan got red carded in the only playoff of the season. Matthew Regan. Matthew Regan gets into a knock down fist fight with some PUNK from Cape Tech. Matt Regan showing any form of rage/anger/aggression is enough for me to cream my pants. I love Matt Regan with all my heart and soul and his act of pride and courage that he showed today will go down in West Bridgewater Soccer History. God bless Matt Regan and God bless the West Bridgewater Soccer Team. Hell of a season guys.

-Ryan has inspired to me! The Ultimate Book shall be written and all shall become clear to those priviledged enough to grasp it. To all others it shall be but a rumor... A thought that no one will ever be able to pin any substance to. Other forbidden literature may also be written, but it will elude our enemies grasp like the wind itself. It shall be done.

-I hate hippies. Damn flag burning, sandal wearing, hemp smoking, leaches. We need another Vietnam, that'll out their ranks a little.

-Oh man do I hate hippies.

-My eyes have seen the glory of the trampling at the zoo.

-A Perfect Circle rocks my world.

-I fought Matt Regan in a 20 minute Battle Royal to the death. It was intense, and will be continued at a later date.

-As you all may know, I have strong feelings towards Matt Regan's sanity. I have expressed how insane he is time and time again, even though his craziness has brought us countless hours of entertainment. However, after reading his old gibberishes, I am here to bring you solid proof that one Matthew Regan is indeed off his rocker. Here is the proof (keep in mind that this is an entirely fictitious conversation between fictitious people about a fictitious occurance. Completely thought up in the mind of Matt):
Al: Tint the flag.
Silt: Zuh?
Al: You heard me, tint it.
Silt: What the hell you talkin bout?
Al: Ok, I'll go over the whole friggin routine again, you ignorant PRICK!!
Silt: Hey man, why you be up in my mix?
Al: Sorry, I'm just pissed off that the station workers won't do shit.
Silt: Hey, I know how you feel. You see, back when I worked over in Laughtonston, I had my share of low-lifes, too.
Al: Well the least you can do is tint the fucking flag.
Silt: Hey man, I told you to cool it.
Al: I said TINT IT!!
Silt: That's it man, I'ss about to kick your ass.
Louger: NOOOOOO!!!*comes between the two*, it's not worth it.
Al: He's right, man.
Silt: Yeah, I guess it was a little hasty of me to decide to kick your ass.
Al: yeah.
Silt: But you know I could.
Al: Sure, whatever you say *chuckle*.
Silt: You know damn right!
Al: Ok, ok.
Louger: Hey guys, let's take the rest of the day off and go down to the local "food joint" and get something to eat.
Al: Great idea, man.
Silt: You always know what's up.
Al went on to become an electrical engineer. He currently resides in Michigan with his dog, Ernie.
Silt got rejected from Harvard, Stanford, and Yale. He now speaks at AA meetings.
Louger went on to become a bartender, but got fired for stealing beer. He is currently getting the help he needs.

-I hate how it's hip to be black now-a-days.

-Despite what Jess Pittman may think or believe, I am indeed mentally sound. So please, don't worry.

-I want to learn JuiJitsu.

-The fact that everything is a trend now-a-days irks the hell out of me. Being a "punk" or "gangster" or even a "rocker" are just examples of new fashion trends where people will change their whole perception of life and way of living to fit into this cliches. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against "punks" or whatever, but when people feel the need to dress a certain way in order to be labeled such a thing pisses me off. Punk music and rock music stars don't need to wear certain clothing styles to make statements. They make statements through their music. The truly great ones do anyways. People that have to explain to everyone just what genre of music they "belong" to by wearing certain types of clothing are nothing but fakes.

-Now my life is no longer empty, and surely Heaven waits for me.

-I want to start a militia. In fact, I have every intention of starting a militia, its my Constitutional right, damnit. A group of vigilantes to uphold the law in our own way. If anyone is interested, let me know.

-Over thinking, over analyzing, seperates the body from the mind.

-Americanism. It's the wave of the future. Our new political ideology will one day come into power, and this nation will once again return to its status and reputation for being the greatest nation in all the world.

-I am eternal, all this pain is an illusion.

-Sure, legalizing marijuana may reduce petty drug crimes, and may even free up some government money due to over crowded prisons. But the "fucking-retard" rate of this nation will skyrocket. This would just give all the idiots out there an excuse to be idiots. God, I hope you all die.

-Sleep is for the weak!

-I would like to state for the record that Paul indeed fell asleep on the trampoline at 6 in the morning. Naked.

-There is no way in Hell I would ever pass history class without Janet Ingargiola or Nicole Reyes.

-The fact that Michael goes to a Division 1, Big East college makes me incredibly happy. He gets FREE sponsored St. Johns Nike SHIT, and it friggin' rules, because his Christmas presents rock.

-Seeing Andy Richter on Conan O'Brien again brought back all those wonderful memories of Andy being a permanent staple on the show. His hilarity, along with Conan, has brought me countless hours of laughter. Andy Richter Controls the Universe freakin' rules too.

-First, it's all day Harrison Ford. Then 24 hours of Clint Eastwood. I don't know about the rest of ya, but I'm in Heaven.

-Every few months Ryan Moran will disappear without a trace for days at a time. It's at times like these where I have nothing better to do but check car trunks for his corpse.

-People who pry in other's business have no lives of their own. More importantly, people who pry into other's business and then get pissed off about it for no good reason are even more worthless. You people need to find new hobbies, losers.

-I don't like losing.

-Mr. Starz is going to get me into college.

-Next to lovin' I like fightin'.

-Ryan and I like to show off to little kids by doing dangerous things while sledding. We're so cool.

-Tremors. What a quality movie. I mean where else can you see the guy from Family Ties and Reba pull an elephant gun and pipe bombs on giant mutant worms?

-WICKED PISSAH!

-"I just saw a commercial for another freakin' Land Before Time movie. They're on like their 12th one or something. Its just sickening. How many more can they make before 'time' happens? Greedy penny-pinchin' misers." -Nathan

-All I want for Christmas is for Rondell White to get the HELL out of New York. For the love of God, just allow me to say that the Yankees are free from that hack being in the lineup.

-I hate white people that try to be black, it's so annoying. In the words of Tool that will echo forever, "Fuck all these gun-toting, hip gangster wannabe's."

-Has anyone ever seen the claymation movie of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Well, when they go to the Island of Misfit Toys, what is wrong with the doll? The bird doesn't fly, it swims. The Jack-in-the-box is a Charlie-in-the-box. The train has square wheels. So what the hell is wrong with the doll? Nothing. I don't get it, this question has been plaguing me for years, and frankly, if someone could shed some light on the matter I'd feel infinitely better.

-I just watched Sportscentury on Sandy Koufax and it makes me wonder what happened to the real pitchers. The real men. The real athletes. The Dodgers picked Koufax to pitch game 7 of the World Series on only 2 days rest. Not only is that unheard of now-a-days, its thought to be absurd. They picked Koufax to pitch on 2 days rest even when they had another pitcher who won 23 friggin' games that year. Thats how much they trusted Koufax, thats how Goddamn good he was. So Koufax went out there and pitched a complete game shut out striking out 10 on 2 days rest to win game 7 of the World Series. It's amazing how pitchers could do that once upon a time, but it hurts me knowing that I will never have the priveledge of watching a truly great athlete.

-"I'll tell you why we lost the 2001 World Series. It's because those friggin' girls came over. Jesus Christ." -My Father. People who know me know exactly what he's talking about. Its true too, by the way, it's their fault.

-Lord of the Rings: Two Towers was... incredible. Never have I been so close to being reduced to tears during a movie. Not for sadness or grief, oh no, but out of sheer shock and pleasure. "FOR THE KING!!"

-The Volleyball tournament was the single greatest event in school history. Period.

-After listening to some creepy Tool songs and thoroughly freaking eachother out, Paul and I came close to death after an evil presence in my car revealed itself. The constant, yet random, beeping tried to drive us to the point of murdering eachother, but we were able to withstand its demonic purposes. For now.

-Gangs of New York was awful. Never have I seen a movie build up one final battle scene, only to have it not take place. Huge three hour dissapointment. All I wanted was an enormous bloody battle in the streets of 1800's New York using nothing but butchers knives, torches, cleavers, and mallets. Is that too much to ask? Apparently yes.

-You know you're an alcoholic when you say "I can't party tomorrow night, my life has come to an end."

-The people at Radioshack are a bunch of jack-off's. Just the other day I was there. So I go in and an employee says "Can I help you?" Now I have no problem with this, I mean, I know what I want, but I do need this shmuck to find it for me. So I tell him that I want a multi-port splitter for a cable set up, and the asshole decides to get into a 7 minute argument with me about how my T.V's are configured. Finally, after telling this idiot how my T.V's are set up until I'm blue in the face, the guy walks over and gets EXACTLY what I asked him for to begin with. Was it worth getting me all pissed off? I swear they get their jibblets off at angering people like me.

-It was about 4:00 AM, early on New Years day, when Ryan Mahoney shoved a pillow over his face and let out the loudest string of curses that have ever been uttered by that man. He then sat up and said "Hey Mark, I was thinking of Holbrook when I said that." He was referring to a baseball game that we lost together, through no fault of his own. At that moment I realized that it this was the greatest New Years of my life.

-Just recently I found out what "143" meant, and I must say, learning its meaning only fuels my hatred for the rest of mankind.

-This next observation is in continuation of my 396th observation, and regards Ryan Mahoney's personal thoughts as to what happened on that fateful afternoon, extra inning baseball game against Holbrook. It's true folks, it was the 9th inning, and Ryan Mahoney allowed a catchable ball to slip by over his head. Allowing the winning run to reach third. Eventually, the runner scored to seal the Holbrook victory and Ryan Mahoney feels that it was his fault that we lost that game. Most people would agree, unless of course they knew all the facts. I happen to know all the facts. First of all, our team had the game in the bag in the 6th inning. The game should have NEVER made it into extra innings, nevermind all the way to the ninth. I remember 2 or 3 SPECIFIC instances where our team left the bases loaded with less than 2 outs left in an inning. Did we capitalize? No. Did we take advantage of faulty pitching by the Holbrook team? No. Did Ryan Mahoney commit an error in the ninth inning of a crucial game? Yes. Was it his fault that we lost? Hell no. The game should have been won in the 5th, 6th, and 7th innings with the West Bridgewater offense torturing a struggling pitcher. But instead we gave up a big lead with poor defense, and even poorer clutch skills. Ryan Mahoney believes that my baseball observation is false, but I've said it before people, and I shall say it again. MY OBSERVATIONS ARE A BASTION OF TRUTH. HEED THEM.

-I'm a fisherman... I'm in my boat... I'm a fisherman.

-Shane Spencer looks like Gary Sinese.

-"Lead Me, Follow Me, or Get the Hell Out of My Way 'cause when I find that paper hanging son of a bitch I'm gonna go through him like shit through a goose and I wont just shoot the bastard but I'm gonna rip out his guts and use them to grease the treads of my tanks and then push those motherfuckers back to where they came from, we're gonna kill them by the bushel and when I do I'm gonna remove my medals and stars and leave only my jacket so the rest of the world can kiss my ass..." -Ryan Mahoney... I love him.

-Someone cut my brakes. I mean, I know I have enemies, and damnit I'll fight them 'till death do I part, but damn... getting my brakes cut is pretty rough.

-I'm pretty sure God doesn't like me much.

-Ok, so we've all established that saying "143" in place of "I love you" is ragingly homosexual. However, something much worse exists people, and its usage warrants nothing less than a groin-area pummeling and death by beheading. Yes, Im talking about "831." Want to know what this means? 8 letters. 3 words. 1 meaning. "I love you." People wonder why I'm so filled with anger, belligerance, and hatred. Well, now you know.

-I once watched A Blast from the Past 16 times in one week. I love Alicia Silverstone.

-My brother, Michael, tied a necktie around a telephone and then around his head, so he was able to talk on the phone and play Diablo with both hands at the same time. Some may call him crazy, I call it genius.

-"Your dog is afraid of birds now. Had him out today, the birds were chirping, and he was flipping out... You've got yourself a fag dog." -My Pops.

-Timmy and I know how to pick the true jucket winners. Go Bo!

-25th Hour was a great movie, and it further proves to me that Edward Norton is the best actor of my generation.

-Pat: Wanna play mailbox baseball?
Me: I'll break the law and all, but I'm not going to prison for ten years for smashing a friggin' mailbox with a baseball bat.

-FOLLOW ME! FOLLOW ME TO FREEDOM!!

-"I'm gonna buy an island and tell all the midgets in the world that it's their homeland and get them to all move there. Then I'm gonna FUCKIN' CAPTURE THEM! I'll sell them as pets, they can be your own personal slaves. You can do whatever you want with them except kill them." -Matt Kluge. I would like to also state that in 20th Century History class we had a 10 minute conversation with Matt Kluge about his special midget island and the humorous things that would transpire there. Funny shit.

-"I was wandering through 'Mark's Observations Throughout Life' when I stumbled upon observation #154. Mark says that RDC will one day rule the universe. Mark said it, therefor it is true. What is RDC you may ask? This I do not know, for it has been kept from me as it has been from you and everyone else. I first heard about RDC over 5 years ago. Matty says that it means "Ryan does crack" but I think he's wrong. RDC is a cunundrum among the human race... a paradox if you will. But mark my words, one day, I will know what RDC stands for, then I will be shot." -Timmy Conrad

-The single greatest charging of the mound fight in baseball has to be when Armando Benitez hit Tino Martinez for the second time (two times! two fucking times!) in his career. I get goosebumps thinking of Graeme Lloyd running out of the bullpen like a 6'7" 225 pound steam roller. And Darryl Strawberry knocking Benitez down the stairs into the dugout with a massive over the top right handed haymaker. Damn, I'm fired up for baseball season.

-"Never trust a vegetarian." -Steve Barker. It's true, don't trust 'em.

-I am a scary judge of talent.

-I have become so accostomed to playing Madden NFL 2003 on Ryan's 53" widescreen television that I find myself going through Madden withdrawals late at night. I'll wake up bored, wanting nothing more than to have a heated matchup in Madden.

-I must say that attending the Stoughton High wrestling meet against King Phillip got me more fired up than words can express. I don't attend Stoughton High School, nor am I a huge fan of wrestling, but damnit, it was incredible.

-Don't you love it how at the end of Rocky IV, they have Rocky single handedly ending the Cold War? His "If I can change, than you can change" speech is absolutely priceless.

-The conclusion has been attained that 20th Century History class has hit it's peak when we can hold vivid class discussions on circumcision. At first you all may think this to be harmless, but when intricate descriptions and diagrams are drawn, and the 60 year old teacher is giving her insight on the subject, the paramount class has been acheived.

-The Onion is truly America's finest news source. Only pure genius could come up with the articles written here.

-When a man wears a fanny pack, he may as well be wearing a tee-shirt that says "Hello, I am a bitch fag." Male fanny packs are the epitome of homsexuality in this nation.

-The band Good Charlotte has to be the biggest group of panzy posing bastards on the face of this planet. Guess what assholes, you aren't the sex pistols, the cure, or the vandals. So stop trying to act like them. Dressing the way you do isn't cool. Hosting shows on MTV isn't cool. Wearing makeup 24 hours a day, when you're a male, isn't cool. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous isn't cool. You guys blow, and you blow hard.

-As long as I am on this "gay band" kick, what the hell is the deal with New Found Glory? I know I'll catch a lot of flack for this because SO many of you bloody homosexuals out there are all out in love with this band, but really, WHAT THE HELL?! THEY SUCK. Almost all of these damn "pop-punk" bands have whiny ass singers, but this band steals the friggin' show. Never in my life have I ever heard a guy sound more like a BITCH when he sings. As you can all tell, I get physically angry when talking about this band, and its all because their lead singer sounds like someone is crushing his genitals in a vice while shoving a baseball bat into his ass. New Found Glory, please, shut up all ready.

-English is absolutely brutal this year. It warrants death.

-Revenge will be taken on Westport for their grotesque sportsmanship during the tournament basketball game. Retribution will be achieved this baseball season. First pitch.

-Bill O'Reilly is a true American and a true patriot. Never in my life have I ever seen a man more convincing and eloquent on such strong issues. Everything out of his mouth is truth. Everything. It is not only impossible to argue with the man, it is completely futile. How can you argue straight up facts with pathetic utopian hippie propoganda? I wish I was more like Bill O'Reilly. The existence, intelligence, and overall superiority of this man is undeniable truth that everyone should be right-wing, liberals are just wrong. Plain and simple, wrong.

-It pains me to see masses of people protesting a war that they cannot possibly argue against. Ranting about "peace" is nothing but hippie bullshit, please pose a legitimate argument about how not going to war is going to secure peace for the United States and the rest of the world. We live in a country where ignorance is tolerated day in, day out, and I for one am sick and tired of it.

-Snow sucks.

-There are few things in this world that anger me more than having to watch television shows glorifying the lives of rappers. More specifically, rappers who were known drug addicts, drug dealers, and violent ignorant people. Notorious B.I.G's mother is constantly blabbing on about how proud she was of her son, and how his life was taken away from him when he was in his prime and all this other crap. What a bunch of rubbish, why would a woman be proud of her ignorant, uneducated, piece of shit drug dealing son who was known nation wide for being a violent drug dealing gang member. I'm glad he's dead, I really am.

-"If your working in a group in school, and your partners cross you... You have no choice but to add them to the list. Same goes for the teacher too." -Beebes O.D

-Steve Barker is probably going to murder his mother.

-Walking around sporting an eighties style fishnet baseball hat with the word "Thrasher" on the front is bad ass.

-Just once I would like to see the masses of ignorant anti-war protestors put down their picket signs, and assemble in a large building so they can sit quietly and listen to a peacefully calm speaker convey the facts. Maybe this would cause all these people to change their minds on what is best for our great nation. Then, as they are all finally realizing the error of their ways, they should be gassed.

-One of the most entertaining things during my school day is going to Sci-Tech class and watching Miss Lafferty freak out over people not doing any work. Of course, this will never motivate me to do anything, but it is still fun to watch.

-I'm pretty sure that Ryan Moran and I are the only ones on this planet that know all of the lyrics to the song Coma by heart. Not even Axl Rose has them memorized.

-People who go to anti-war protests with pro-war picket signs have big brass ones.

-Bill Foley knocked the SHIT out of his wooden project with a friggin' wooden plank. We all thought he was joking, BUT NAY! The crazy son of a bitch hauled off and smashed the bloody monstrosity, causing wooden popsicle sticks to fly all across the Sci-Tech classroom. Friggin' made my day, it was beautiful.

-People may have noticed the immense gaps between updates lately, so I would like to explain why this has occurred: I am fucking lazy. Deal with it.

-Black people, no matter what, will always side with other blacks. A white and a black get into an argument, and the white goes to his/her best black friend for support, no luck. Blacks stick with blacks. Always.

-People who blatantly break the law, and get caught doing so, should have to be held responsible for their actions.

-I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

-It's difficult to slack 100% in school now-a-days for the sole reason that I feel like I'm letting Sylvain down. Every other teacher can cram it with walnuts, but I just feel bad not doing the work assigned to me by Sylvain.

-Disney likes to put his hand in your shirt and squeeze your tit 'till it's purple. Prices down there will bleed you dry.

-Now that school is almost over I would just like to say to all the people I'm going to miss... I'm really not going to miss you, I hate you, just die. Just kidding... sort of.

-Flaming diarrhea really sucks.

-All you read and wear or see on T.V. is a product begging for your fat ass dirty dollar.

-All you know about me is what I've sold you.

-Punk'd might be the most entertaining television show currently on the air.

-The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and could be again...

-Pat Gallant now has 12 career concussions. I don't know whether to call him a bad ass or a mental retard. Either way, he's the friggin' man.

-The show "Fraternity Life" is made up of the largest group of whiny pussies, the likes of which the world has never seen.

-High School is finally over. The cosmic battle has come to an end. I leave. Victorious.

-My high school baseball career is over, and I didn't even get to play a final game. Ryan Mahoney and myself end our baseball careers standing by the bench, dumbfounded, that the coach of Sacred Heart doesn't want to play a game of baseball, nor does he ever. Not only that, but he needed to win this game in order to make it to the tournament, but he didn't even want to try and play. So this observation is a big 'FUCK YOU' to the coach of Sacred Heart, who fucked two baseball players out of their final games. Fuck you, buddy, you piece of shit.

-Michael was drafted, again in the 31st round, this time to the St. Louis Cardinals. Maybe he's not such an h-mo after all.

-After a long and grueling day of work, capping off the start of my third season in a pool store, I'd like to lay down some ground rules which I have dubbed: "Pool Store Etiquette." Let us begin.

(1) If you do not speak English, stay the Hell out of the store. You border jumpers shouldn't be trying to maintain a pool.

(2) Do not send in your 12 year old, uneducated, ignorant children into the store to pick up your supplies. Get off your fat, slobby, lazy ass and do it yourself. I'm not about to go out of my way and explain to some kid who doesn't know his ass from his elbow how to keep his pool from turning green.

(3) If you are a married male pool owner, don't send your bitch in to buy the chemicals. If you want something done right, do it yourself, don't rely on your wife who is only following your direct orders and will not take any advice from the clerk.

(4) Don't argue with me. I am the all knowing, all powerful, pool store clerk. If you have a question about chemicals, don't question my responses. If you come in specifically to argue then what the hell do you expect to get done? My words should be gospel to you bastards, so heed them while you can.

(5) If you come in to the store 5 minutes before close and ask me to explain to you in great detail how a pool works and how to maintain one because this is "your first time with a pool" don't expect me to be patient or courteous with you. In fact, expect nothing but to recieve short, curt answers, because you know? In 5 minutes, I should be the hell out of the store. You shouldn't even have bothered coming.

(6) And finally, the most important rule to being a pool owner is this: Don't be an immigrant.

-Pedro Martinez turned the corking of Sammy Sosa's bat into a race war, saying that he was being treated differently because he is a Dominican. Sorry Pedro, Sosa is being treated differently because he CORKED HIS BAT YOU FRIGGIN' MORON. Not to mention Pedro said: "If Clemens put up the kind of numbers I did last year than that guitar playing white boy wouldn't have won the Cy Young." Guitar playing white boy referring to Barry Zito. This pisses me off something awful. If Roger Clemens called Pedro a "rock throwing wet back" the entire friggin' nation would be ablaze. Stupid shit like this is what drags America down, and I sure as Hell don't want it in baseball. Shut up Pedro, go back on the DL.

-"A lot of people at this point in our lives tell us to take the road less traveled or go where there is no path and make your own... and I ask why the hell would we want to do that? There is a reason everyone is heading down a certain road, it's called learning from others mistakes. The reason only one person went down that "other" road was because it was a DEAD END and he came back and told everyone else. Or it led to Canada and once people found that out they steered clear. Life's to short to be wandering around in the woods like your homeless. People that go out of their way to be different are doing just that, going out of their way. Stick to the main roads and you'll get where your going much faster, even if your lost you'll still make good time." -Ryan Mahoney... 'Nuff said.

-Twenty hour car rides in sweltering weather conditions is a form of torture used in Hell.

-If I don't like you, you are the first person to Goddamn know. I hate hearing about petty, simple, high school bullshit. If people treat you poorly, walk all over you, talk shit about you, or act differently when you're not around then fuck them. Do not let people like that walk all over you. They should be the first to know that you will have nothing to do with them. They don't you need you, then you don't need them. This is dedicated to Bethanie Leonardo.

-Five hours, twelve viruses, and one fucking service later, Ryan Moran fixes my computer. Fixing computers is painful.

-Folks, as a pool store clerk, employed in the town of Brockton, I have no choice but to sometimes deal with people of lower intelligence than myself. Now, I have no problem with this, I gladly help those who need it and am always courteous and forthwright. However, every now and then a customer will come in that defies all laws of common sense. A customer that regardless of your attentiveness, help, and reasoning, will refuse to succomb to being humble, and swell with pride to the point of throwing tantrums that involve cursing and swearing vengence. One such incident occurred today, with a customer who decided to vandalize our store because he couldn't get his own way. Now, before I jump into things, I'll have to start at the beginning, show you the ropes, allow you to understand the events that occurred prior to the hysterical fit that ensued when said customer did not get his own way. So sit back, relax, and enjoy my ranting.

The date was July 18, 2003. A regular customer by the name of Alvin came into Pool 'N' Play in search of an above ground automatic pool cleaner. My fellow employee, Steve, just happened to wait on Alvin, and showed him a product known as the "Aquabug." Alvin was interested, asking many questions, as was expected from a customer interested in purchasing an item priced at around $200. Alvin decided to take the vacuum, but first inquired about the return policy, just in case there was a problem with the cleaner. Steve made it clear to Alvin that if there was a problem with the Aquabug, we would gladly have it fixed, or if need be, sent away for a new one. However, it was also made perfectly clear that the product could not be returned if the seal on the box was broken, the item been used, and had no technical problems. So in other words, if Alvin took it home, didn't like it, he couldn't bring it back for a refund. Alvin agreed, and paid for the Aquabug, and left the store.

The very next day, I happened to be working, and witnessed Alvin re-entering the store carrying a dishoveled cardboard box, which I later realized was a returning Aquabug. Knowing that simple employees cannot return such a product on our own, the owner of the store, Chris, was fetched in order to assess the situation. Being the nosy deviant that I am, I listened intently to the ensuing conversation between Chris and Alvin. Alvin made it clear to Chris that he did not want the Aquabug, that it didn't work properly, and that he wanted his $200 back. Understandable, however in violation of our return policy. Chris conveyed to Alvin that in order for him to return the product, he would have to show what was wrong with it. Alvin simply said he didn't like it and wanted his money back. Chris wouldn't budge, however was extremely helpful. Chris even offered to go to Alvin's house, hook up the vacuum for him, and make sure it was running fine. If it wasn't running properly, Chris would have gladly fixed it for him, or given him a refund. "No. I just don't want it," said Alvin, studdering on each sentence in a somewhat nervous demeanor which was customary for this particular customer. Chris apologized, but calmly told him that he cannot give him a refund unless there is something wrong with the product. Pissed off, Alvin left the store, but without first saying that we would be hearing from his lawyer and that there would be trouble. I was a little upset, to tell you the truth. I had known Alvin before, and even though he wasn't the brightest of people in the world, he was always very nice and I felt bad that he just didn't understand the return policy. I only wished that he had taken Chris up on his offer so he could at least have gotten his $200 worth of the product he purchased. But alas, Alvin left the store, empty handed, leaving his $200 piece of equipment on the floor of Pool 'N' Play. It was over, for now, but I think we were all quite surprised with what happened next.

A matter of hours later, a car full of burly, intimidating black men pulled up in the parking lot of Pool 'N' Play. Steve, realizing that it was Alvin, the pissed off customer from earlier, ran to the back of the store to get Chris, the owner. Seeing Steve run to the back, Alvin SPRINTS into the store as fast as his 50 year old body can carry him and barks at me to answer his questions. "Where the hell is he running to so fast?!" yelled Alvin. I calmly replied, "He's getting Chris, you want to talk to him, don't you?" Alvin remarked about Steve running, but I was too awe struck to listen when I turned to look at the two men entering the store. "WHERE'S CHRIS?!" shouted one of them, as I just gawked at the imposing presence of these two men. I could clearly tell that Alvin had brought these two men, who we found to be his sons, to intimidate Chris in order to allow the refund. Pretty juvenile, I know, however it probably would work most places considering one of the two men was at least 6'2" with an enormous chest and biceps, bellowing throughout the store with the confidence of Mr. Universe. Chris came to the front of the store, greeted by two of the scariest friggin' negro's the world has seen in years. "My father wants to return this vacuum," demanded the son. Chris went through his entire speil again regarding the return policy, only this time a little more intimidated. Alvin continued to rant on and on about how its ridiculous to not be able to return something if the customer doesn't like it, all the while mentioning something about his lawyer contacting the store. As the smaller son and Alvin yelled at Chris to get their money back, the larger of the two sons strolled to the middle of the store and decided to shout slanderous things implying that customers can't return a damn thing if they needed to. Luckily, there was only a single other customer in the store, and he didn't seem to give a shit. The argument continued, only now the large guy was on the phone with his wife who was supposedly a lawyer, spouting off fake laws that its required for businesses to return stuff. Total horse shit, but nonetheless it was impossible to not listen to such an imposing person. Then, Alvin, said the most ignorant comment anyone could have made in the situation, "you won't return this because we're black. I'm sure if I was white, you'd have no problem returning it." What a bunch of shit. I sat there thinking to myself, "we're a small pool store in the middle of Brockton. The majority of our customers are minorities. We can't afford to descriminate, you dumb-shit." Alvin, however, decided to make this into an overly exaggerated race war. "This is bullshit." muttered the big guy, repeatedly as he began to walk towards the door, all of us breathing a sigh of relief that our boss and friend wasn't attacked. They open the door, half standing in the store, half on the sidewalk. They turn, made a comment about going to court, with the crew of us just staring at them in silence until they would leave. Then, in a split seconds time, the enormous man, grabs the top of a 5 shelf display and RIPS it to the ground, spilling over 80 bottles of chemicals to the floor, liquid spraying everywhere as the entire front of the store becomes chaotic. Then, in another fit of rage, the same man grabs the poor gum ball machine and tosses it to the floor as well, kicking it, and exclaming "oops!" as the filthy animalistic bastards stroll out the front door. We all couldn't believe what we saw.

Taking pictures, closing the store, and calling the police, the four employees working at the time, began cleaning up the atrocious mess. While cursing to ourselves and mopping and salvaging what was left, a police officer arrives and takes down Alvin's address and license plate number, and informs us that if any of them ever return, just to dial 9-1-1 and they can be arrested. However, beyond that, not much justice can be done. It was amazing really, seeing living, breathing proof that pathetic immigrants such as these people resort to animalistic ways when something can't go their way. Not only that, but they MAY have actually gotten some money or redemption if it was taken to small claims court, but no, they decided to act like animals and throw a tantrum like wild apes. I'm sure the situation could have been a lot worse, but it was definitely the scariest thing to happen at Pool 'N' Play, all the while being damn entertaining. It just dissapoints me that justice cannot be taken on disgusting criminals such as these. That these pigs can get off with vandalism, all because it would cost too much money to be taken to court, that it wouldn't be worth it. It's just too damn bad, but I think now I will seriously consider becoming a bounty hunter.

-I feel so alone, going to end up a big ol' pile of them bones.

-I love Graeme Lloyd. What the Yankees bullpen is missing is 6'7" lefty. God I miss him.

-Steve Barker doesn't get angry very easily, or very often. However, his own mother pisses him off worse than anything I have ever seen. Red face, misty eyed, and furious, Steve becomes enraged so easily at the very mentioning of his mother. It's actually pretty friggin' funny.

-Over the passed 2 years of creating observations that have made people laugh, think, pissed off, hate me, etc. I have established some what of a cult following. My name and observations have circled through towns, cities, states, and coasts. Although my time here is growing short, I would like to reassure my fans that I will continue to create my works of art while in South Carolina. So please, stay posted, and spread the word to your friends to check out this website to read the thoughts of one of the biggest assholes in America. I'm never going to stop.

-Sterling Hitchcock is the only professional baseball player that is so friggin' bad that he has enraged me to the point of losing sleep. Given half the chance, I would murder Sterling Hitchcock and everyone he cares about, thats how bad he is. GOD, HE SUCKS.

-I have come to the conclusion, that no matter where in the world you are, there is a double of someone you know from your passed residence. For example, in Stoughton, the exact double I found was of Pat, who indeed doubled me. In South Carolina, my roommate doubles exactly in personality to that of the one and only Andrew Foulsham, with the looks of a Matt Regan Ryan Mahoney combo. Sort of like an Andratt Mahegan. Strange? Yes. Coincidence? No. I believe its a cosmic justice ordered to balance out the world.

-You cannot fuck with me.

-My soul must be iron, because my fear is naked.

-What you want and what you need don't mean a fuck to me.

-My apartment is constantly and incessently filled with men screaming strings of obscentities that only people with Turretts have contstructed. All because of video games.

-8 a.m classes are brutal.

-People's actions are always done in their own interest. People in general perform acts for others only when some form of incentive is in the back of their minds. Nothing is for free.

-It has been brought to my attention that most of my loyal viewers are being obstructed with floating banners when they visit my observations. I would like to state for the record that I will not take such injustices. These Fascist bastards are trying to hinder me from preaching my word. They are trying to slow me from reaching the masses. These militaristic grabasses will not succeed, I will prevail. Advertisement banners are complete obstructions to everything I represent.

-Canadians are damn near retarded. What am I talking about, they are retarded.

-"I'm With Busey" has got to be one of the best shows currently on television.

-Guns don't kill people. Dangerous minorities do.

-Pat Gallant is Jakked Nasty. Get big, duder, get big.

-Left wing liberals are trying to destroy the church. We have all heard of Separation of Church and State, even though it is not stated in the Constitution. The Constitution states that there can't be an establishment of religion in the state. Meaning the House and Congress must be NEUTRAL. Therefore, if a judge or governmental official is a Christian and wants to wear a cross, or if he/she is a Buddhist and wants to have some sort of a statue present, or if he is Jewish and wants to wear a Yulmeka, he is ALLOWED TO. It is his or her right to practice their religion, it is his or her right to hold those beliefs. Liberals are trying to all together take religion out of society, which is exactly what the Communists started with in the Soviet Union. Christian, Buddhist, Jew, Muslim, or atheist, no matter what the religion or non-religion, it is everyone's right to practice and believe in it. America was founded on religious freedom, so why should we conform to liberal propoganda and take it completely out of society? That would be Communism, folks. Open your eyes.

-A week after I leave and I realize who my true friends are. Blood is thicker than water.

-I don't want to hear how you're so driven. I don't want to know your influence. I don't need to prove myself. I just need to be myself. It doesn't show what I'm trying to be, it just shows who I am.

-ESPN is completely and whole heartedly bias against the Yankees. The Yankees have a 2 day long brawl with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and you don't hear a word about it on ESPN, all the while they suck the dick of Barry Bonds by giving him his own personal 15 minutes of highlights and air time every damn night. Friggin' steroid using, cheating bastard. Then they blow the Oakland A's because of their "great pitching" that has lead them to three consecutive post season dissapointments. Then they blow the Red Sox for their incredible offense this year. Oh wait, we found out they cheated. They've got an illegal TV in their bullpen and have been stealing signs. Hmm... Maybe thats why they have a .319 batting average at home and only a .264 batting average on the road. But did you hear a fucking WORD about it on ESPN?! NO! Not a single blurb about it. Makes me sick.

-It's a beautiful feeling to be able to think of telling my children one day of the 1998 New York Yankees, the greatest baseball team of my generation.

-Have you ever seen the Joe Schmo Show? What an ass.

-Dane Cook is a genius. So is Nick Swardson. Find and download all of their stand up comedy, it is uncontrollably funny.

-I love it when you talk dirty.

-Free advertising from Rebecca Cole is greatly appreciated. I will not stop until every town in America is filled with my unstoppable ranter.

-My life consists of very many activites and going-ons, but I spend the most time sitting on my ass watching Comedy Central.

-Hey, John Stamos, stop making phone commercials you asshole, get off my damn roof. Get a real job you pathetic hack. Whatever happened to Uncle Jesse and the Rippers?

-Why won't I call and pledge 80 cents a day to save kids half way around the world? Because I don't friggin' want to. Stop hounding me.

-Ladies, if you've got a good guy friend that you hang out with a lot, but would never like him in "that" way... Cut it out... It just isn't right. The only reason he's hanging around with your stupid ass is because he likes you.

-Pitching and small ball is what wins baseball games. More importantly, it wins Championships.

-Thundersticks, those gay little noodle things, and any other object that sports fans wave in the air at sporting events are friggin' HOMOSEXUAL. If you can't make enough noise without help from fuckin' "Thunderstix" then you aren't real fans. Go the Hell home.

-Jared from Subway needs to stop making commercials. Yeah, you're not fat anymore, you're just ugly. Kill yourself.

-The reason why Pat and I tell eachother that we're the coolest fucking kids on the planet is because we are the coolest fucking kids on the planet.

-"Talk softly and carry a big stick." -Teddy Roosevelt ...That's damn right...

-I'm not racist, I have a colored T.V.

-You know, for my 500th observation, I'd just like to rant a little bit. After 499 insightful observations, I THINK I AM ENTITLED TO IT. For weeks now people have been screaming for my commemorative 500th observation. Even my not-so-loyal viewers have been saying "yo, Mark, man, dude, homie, brother, what are you gonna do for your 500th, man?" I don't know. Shut up. I will admit to you all, though, that trying to think of a memorable 500th has consumed my life. I'm sitting in class, man, and I'm just like "microeconomics can lick my yambag. Would that make a good observation? Hmm... yeah... but not for 500." It's kept me up nights, honestly it has. You know, the kid Dan that sits next to me in Comp Sci is from Alabama. Him being from 'Bama has fulfilled my dream of meeting someone from the Bam. Dan deserves to be in here. Ryan, too, Ryan has gone crazy with me trying to collaborate on a 500th observation to no avail. Whatever. You know, this years playoffs were probably the best friggin' baseball games I have ever seen in my life even though sports announcers on ESPN and FOX (that means you Bret Boone, Dave Justice, Joe Buck, and Tim McCarver) went out of their way to ruin it for me. Bastards. God I love baseball. I punched a hole in my wall when the Yankees lost and have spent the last 2 weeks trying to hide it from my RA. It's been relatively easy though, because my RA is a woman, and therefore is naturally retarded. Wickid Retahded. You know, I don't have that bad of a Boston accent, but it sure seems like I do compared to the people down here in South Carolina. But then again, they eat squirrel. They don't really. Well some do, I suppose, but then again a lot of people on this Earth deserve to die. Like Carrot Top. And Alfonso Soriano. And Al Sharpton. And Johnny Damon. Get your hair cut, ass clown. This is the first year in my entire life where I didn't go trick or treating. A good run, though, 17 years ain't bad. I must say I was overwhelmingly dissapointed when I heard that some old bag yelled at my little brother, Matty, and my cousin Timmy for being too old for tricks or treats. When I am too old to dress up like an ass and get free candy, I WANT TO BE SHOT IN THE FACE WITH A SAWED-OFF. Give me a break. One of the greatest holidays, Halloween, that is. Right behind Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter. No shame in that though, let me tell you, Halloween is still kick ass in it's own right. I will tell you this one thing though: Pat Gallant is the friggin' man. I must say though, I get a big flippin' smile on my face when I hear that it's 40 degrees back at home and it's almost 80 here. I need a gun. Thats it, Im done. This is my 500th, and I'm sure its not what you blood sucking bastards were expecting, but this is what you're getting. I can finally let my demons rest. I can finally sleep at night... on a pile of money next to many beautiful women.

-There are few who deny, at what I do I am the best. For my talents are renowned far and wide.

-You can tell a lot about a man by his handshake.

-Try everything at least once, except for incest and folk dancing.

-I actually defined the words "wicked," "pissah," "packie," and "the T" for my geography class.

-"It’s time for the bands these kids are listening to to deliver something deeper than just ‘let’s party.' " Your damn right.

-I just saw a commercial about some new made-for-TV Christmas movie involving some theif turned good guy because of some stupid girl. Starring Tony Danza. Now should be the time where I rip into Tony Danza, but I mean, come on, it's Tony Danza. So I'm going to sit here politely with my hands folded as Tony Danza continues to MAKE SHITTY TELEVISION. Oh by the way, he has a mullet in this movie.

-Whether I am at home or at college warfare follows me. I'm not complaining. Let me fill you in a little bit. I'm sure you're all aware of the constant battles and wars I've been forced to fight, but now a physical war has broken out between my apartment and the dirty whores in the apartment next to us. It all started at the beginning of the semester when one of my roommates was attempting to get with one of the girls next to us. One of her roommates advised against it by saying that he was "just a freshman" and because of this, my roommate became angry and vengeful. So, like any normal person would, my rooomate took a piss on their door. They could never prove it was him, but they always assumed. So anyays, a few days ago, at about 3:00 a.m, someone smashed a pumpkin on our doorstep. We have hard evidence against our neighbors that they were the culprits, so now, it all begins. We're pulling out all the stops, the rest of the time they spend living next to us at Clemson University will be a living Hell.

-Field of Dreams is one of the greatest movies. I'm no huge Costner fan and I'm aware that a lot of you hate his guts, but Field of Dreams is just a classic. A man is not allowed to cry during movies, but damnit, he is allowed to cry during Field of Dreams. I'm not saying I have, because I haven't, but what I am saying is that if I were to cry it would ONLY be to Field of Dreams. I fully believe in Bill Simmons' "Field of Dreams Test" when it comes to women, frankly, I have based my life around it. Baseball is the greatest damn game, sport, and feeling in the whole world. A 14 year old American boy should NEVER refuse to play catch with his father, it's just un-American. "The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good and could be again."

-Why is it that after a guy breaks up with a girl and starts to date so soon afterwards he's an asshole, whereas when a girl does it she's just "moving on"? What a crock of shit.

-In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey.

-I should date my observations. Thanks to Michael Tamulionis for the idea.

-Those of you that shed blood with me today shall be called my brothers.

-These reality television shows about pathetic yuppie piece of shit women need to stop. Rich Girls? Give me a break. You're fat, disgusting, snobby, stuck up WASTES OF LIFE. At least your parents earned their fortune, you just fucking leach off of it. And this friggin' Paris Hilton show with the half-nigger girl on it, what the HELL?! You yuppies make me SICK. Get jobs or GET A FUCKING EDUCATION. Someone kill them, please, or just put me out of my misery, because I can't stand this much longer. Disgusting.

-I had an awesome dream last night. First, for some reason, I was in a classroom (which happened to be the 20th Century classroom) and the only person I knew there was Ryan. We were all discussing whether or not certain celebrities were being too hard on President Bush. So the teachers would say a name and then everyone in the class would raise their hand because we thought that particular person was being too hard on President Bush. None of the names discussed were real people, but I do remember one of the names was "O'Hare" and for some reason I felt really strongly about him/her being far too critical on President Bush. Then for some reason, I found some crawl space in the classroom, so I crawled through the vents which lead to a new room. Back in this room was Tool. So I sat and chilled with Tool for a while, but Maynard was really weird and didn't talk all that much, so I decided to chill with Henry Rollins for a little bit, because he just happened to be there too. So Henry Rollins and I were just chillin' and then we went driving and while we were driving we listened to 'Bottom' which is on Undertow. And Henry Rollins has a speaking part in Bottom, so it all linked together quite nicely. So, in conclusion, I think I'm in love with Henry Rollins.

-All women are liars. Every last one of them.

-All I want from my politicians is to pass legislation to further brutalize criminals. There wouldn't be much crime if you had the fear of getting knee capped for stealing a pack of gum in the back of your mind.

-California is the bastard child of the United States. Everyone in Hollywood can eat me too. Lets hope Ahnold can turn that bullshit three ring circus sideshow of freaks there in that hopeless fucking hole we call L.A around.

-One of the greatest pleasures in life is being able to listen to a favorite song or album and being able to think of a specific memory involving some person, place, or event. For instance whenever I listen to the S&M version of Metallica's Outlaw Torn I think of playing Tony Hawk's Proskater with Ryan. Or when I listen to Eulogy by Tool I think of Brewster Beach. It's strange. Perhaps even a little eerie, but undeniably wonderful all at the same time.

-Lisa episodes suck. The only thing to ever pull Lisa episodes out of the depths of Hell are Homer and Bart moments.

-Where the Hell does Peter Gammons get off?! Pete Rose doesn't belong in the Hall of Fame because he shows "lack of respect for the game"? Gammons goes on to call Rose "despicable" and the "lowest figure in baseball." Are you kidding me, Gammons? You're trying to tell me that the guy with the most hits in BASEBALL HISTORY doesn't belong in the Hall of Fame because he's not a stand up guy? I'm pretty sure theres a guy named Willie Mays in the Hall and I'm pretty sure he had quite the gambling problem as well. And you know, I swear theres this guy named Ty Cobb in the Hall of Fame and he used to sharpen his fucking spikes before games so he could tear peoples legs apart when sliding into bases. Mickey Mantle? He was a fall down alcoholic. Bob Gibson? That guy would throw at his own kid in a father son game (Uecker is the man). Are these guys stand up citizens and perfect roll models? Hell no. Do they deserve to be in the Hall of Fame? Of course. But now you're saying Pete Rose, one of the greatest hitters in the history of the game who holds the all time base-hit record, doesn't belong in the Hall? Give me a friggin' break, I don't care if he worships Satan and sells poison milk to school children, the mean son of a bitch deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. Pull your head out of your ass, Peter Gammons.

-I specifically remember, and I'm sure quite a few other people remember as well, Ms. Mischley calling out Ryan Moran, Steve Barker, Joey Pierce, and myself saying that our lack of work and our complete apathy towards high school and English would end up killing us in college. In fact, I remember her specifically saying "I would like to see your English grades after your first semester of college." Well, Mischley, you pig, I would like nothing more than to take my report card and staple it to your fat friggin' forehead. Has my attitude toward English changed at all? Nope. Have my grades changed? Nope. Is Mischley still wrong. Uh huh.

-I hunger after independence, lengthen freedoms ring.

-Joe Morgan is a racist.

-I hate Rastafarians. Friggin' waste of air.

-Promiscuity is not flattering, nor is it attractive.

-I just found out that school in WB is going to be cancelled because OF THE COLD. Like 30 below with the wind chill or some shit? Are you serious? I thank God everyday that I'm down South. Every day.

-I'm here today to put an end to this stupid "Bowling for Columbine" shit. All of a sudden people are seeing this movie for the first time and thinking that Michael Moore is their Savior. English classes are subjecting their kids to this tripe, students are watching it and swallowing everything this Communist feeds them completely whole. As everyone who reads my observations knows, I am a very stubborn and difficult person. I have my own opinions and I am very set in my ways when it comes to my beliefs and convictions. HOWEVER! I do not mind one iota if someone has a difference of opinion, if someone has different ideologies when it comes to politics, religion, etc. However, an Anti-American son of a bitch like Michael Moore needs to be torn down off of his pedestal because he is a LIAR. A liar, folks. Bowling for Columbine is NOT a documentary, it is a fictitious film driven to persuade people into believing Moore's politics through LIES AND DECEIT. I want everyone who comes to my fucking observations to read this: Truth About Bowling for Columbine. I did not write this website, but it is the foundation of all arguments against that son of a bitch. Michael Moore is a Communist. He is a decietful, lying, pig-headed bastard. People need to stop following him like he's Christ. Thank you.

-I hate reading people's personal feelings in their profiles. Like how they're living their lives now that they aren't being oppressed by some overbearing super power or some crap. For instance "I can't make anyone happy screw this, blah blah blah." I'm sick of reading it, put something funny in there or something, you drama queens.

-This next observation was inspired by Steve Barker, who in turn was inspired by my previous observation I believe. Either way, credit is given when credit is due. So without further ado I give you the "Guidelines to Not Having a Gay Profile"
1) No random dates with ragingly homosexual pictures of hearts and/or "143"'s.
2) How about no "143"'s altogether? Don't be a moron, just fucking type out "I love you," you aren't handicapped.
3) No friggin' outrageous colors. I think I speak for everyone when I say that I do not like being sent into epileptic seizures when opening someones profile.
4) No vague comments like "Fuck this, I'm just gonna live it up" after your boyfriend breaks up with you. No one cares.
5) For the love of God no "shoutz" or "shout outs." Great, you have friends, again, no one gives a shit.
6) No designs, macros, or elaborate caricatures that you pawned off of some gaylord who spent 4 hours with his character map open trying to make something interesting.
7) Copying and pasting funny conversations is extremely entertaining, especially if they are kept fresh. But if it takes you 10 minutes to figure out what the moron is trying to say then chances are no one else will be able to read it either. So fix the friggin' spelling errors.
8) I'm sick of reading open-ended ambiguous comments that are CLEARLY directed at one particular person. For instance a girl breaks up with her boyfriend or gets into fight with one of her friends and puts "Stupid people should mind their own business" or "I'm just living life now, not letting anyone get me down." Cut the shit. If you want to make a comment about someone in your profile, than do it. Don't pussy foot around it. Say "Hey, so-and-so, fuck you." Easy as that, folks.
9) Don't leave it blank, put something in there, jerk-off.
10) Please, change it up every now and then. If you have any of the above in your profile, than chances are better than average that you're gay. So why not shake the homo image and take the shit out and put something entertaining in there like a link to a funny movie or interesting article. Or a powerful and relevant quote of some sort. Just stop breeding mind-numbing stupidity by putting the sort of shit I mentioned above in there.
Here are some more from Ryan Moran, because he is deserving of a voice here:
-No one cares about how much drinking or drugs you do, putting "4:20" in your profile does not make you cool.
-Don't put the same old gay quotes that everyone uses in your profiles. This especially applies to women who seem to collectively work off a sheet of about 5 quotes that were fucking stupid to being with.
-No poems.
-Nothing at all about your freinds, that includes "BEST FRIENDS FOREVA!!!!" and the like.
-Don't ever TyPe LiKe ThIS
-If you link to something it'd better be fucking worth my while.
All very valid if I don't say so myself.

-Anna Nicole Smith. Now there is a respectable, attractive, charming individual. Why isn't she dead yet? More importantly, why hasn't anyone brutally murdered her for public display? She's still fat too, that friggin' diet shes advertising didn't work. Do the world a favor and walk your fat ass into on-coming traffic. Matt Stevens is incredibly driven by his hatred of Anna Nicole Smith, so an observation describing her already well known annoying, disgusting, waste of a life I felt was necessary.

-"Girls will always be there. Baseball won't." -Jimmy Heuglin, a prophet if you ask me. Words to live by, Michael, words to live by.

-Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for He hath said 'I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.' -Hebrews 13:5

-You Got Served? Are... Are you serious? I don't even know what to friggin' say anymore.

-My tapeworm tells me what to do.

-"The resting of one's genitalia upon the face of a sleeping person is not usually met with approval." -Words of Wisdom from the one and only Beebes O.D.

-Choose or Lose. A real great premise, MTV. Only one problem, you're spoonfeeding teenage America bias liberal propoganda. Hey, Gideon Yago, you're a real reporter now, in the 'depths' of destroyed Iraq? Can't take all the machine gun fire and the killing thats going on? America shouldn't be over there causing more chaos? Go to South Central, L.A. and I'm sure you're going to hear the same machine gun popping in the background, idiot. Astounded at the destruction of the cities? It's a fucking war, shit gets blown up. Iraqis think that Americans aren't trying to help rebuild the nation into a democracy? Fine, we'll leave them to their own devices. Try actually reporting some news, Gideon you hack job, instead of feeding us your bullshit personal agenda. You work for MTV, remember that.

-I really truly hate Valentine's Day. Everyone, just shut up about it.

-I am so great. I am so great. Everybody loves me, I am so great.

-I like a lot of milk in my cereal and a lot of syrup on my pancakes. Thats just how I roll, baby.

-It's life's little gifts and idiosyncrasies that keep you going, that keep you happy. It's going to the cafeteria in the morning and seeing Lucky Charms. It's when the sweet tea is "really good today." It's the change in the smell of the air as the seasons change. It's turning a double play. It's playing Age of Empires until 5 in the morning. It's hearing your favorite song on the radio. It's reading a really damn good book on the beach during the summer until the sun goes down. It's a kick ass whiffle ball game. It's being overcome with emotion, whether it be hatred, love, or devotion, in your favorite sports team and having friends that feel the same. It's having pride in your school and pride in your family. It's having pride in yourself, while continuing to be humble. Yeah, that's the type of stuff that really keeps me going.

-Nickelback sucks.

-Cookie Time... It's glorious.

-You know, everyone always used to say to me: "Mark, cherish your high-school years, they will be the best times of your life." Right, having to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn to go to school in the freezing ass cold for 7 friggin' ass-reaming hours were the best times of my life. Give me a break, college is where it's at.

-"Cookie Time... It's like... Better than Naked Time." -A Trae Borden Original

-"I sleep because I'm tired, I kill because people bother me." -Steve Tomlinson

-Sleeping naked is the only way to fall asleep in complete comfort. I promise you, everyday will start out wonderfully if you just fall asleep the night before ass-naked. I know, I know, you're all thinking "but Mark, how can you sleep naked, don't you have a roommate?" Yes, I do have a roommate, but that isn't the issue. The kinks and problems have been worked out, so just trust me. Sleep naked.

-You know, there's something about Mary.

-Everyone should say thank you to someone who holds a door.

-Keep it right. Keep it white.

-Ben Affleck really does suck. Name one movie that has been good with his over-acting ass in it. Good Will Hunting doesn't count either, Matt Damon carried him on his back for crying out loud. Thats what I thought. Can't think of one can you. There's a reason for that, he friggin' sucks.

-Girls can't play baseball.

-Shit adds up at the bottom.

-Ruben Studdard needs to shut his fat friggin' mouth. You're sorry for 2004? Well I'm sorry your mother didn't abort you as a fetus. Just die for the love of all that is holy.

-It's ok to lie to women. They aren't real people like the rest of us.

-Get busy living or get busy dying. That's Goddamn right.

-"Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed." -MLK Jr.

-Hotel Capture the Flag is one of few formats that can be used to fully experience the game.

-"Is that chick topless? Oh, man thats a dude in a speedo... NC... NC..." -Steve Tomlinson. Just a little reflection on our spring break.

-The key to lying? Convince yourself you're telling the truth.

-Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, Eric Gagne, Derek Jeter, and Albert Pujols. These guys can just fucking play. These are the guys that need to step up and bring people to the game of baseball. Seeing Wood throw a 95 mph fastball and then an 85 mph BLISTERING curveball is some of the best stuff in this world. Or seeing Prior throw at Barry Bonds then COME OFF THE MOUND AFTER HIM. Or watching Albert Pujols hit absolutely everything and anything thrown to him. Or Derek Jeter's TEXT-BOOK inside out swing. Or Eric Gagne getting on top of you with his scary friggin' goggles and afro-hair sticking out the side of his hat. These dudes are bad ass, they're just FUN TO WATCH. I love it.

-There are two types of people in this world: People who love Peeps and people who hate peeps. I'm the former, and the latter should be gassed.

-Assholes and pricks stick together. And I like it.

-Donnie Osmond is such a faggot.

-Silent Lunch. You all MUST remember that God-awful fascist propaganda capaign. For those of you who don't know what we as West Bridgewater elementary school students had to go through, allow me to set the stage. Grades 1 through 4, the students of the Rose L. MacDonald Elementary school in West Bridgewater Massachusetts were to eat lunch at the usual all-American lunch time of on or around 12 in the afternoon. Now, the lunch period went as a normal lunch period would go, children taking out their food and chewing efficiently enough until the food was able to be swallowed in order to gain sustinence. However, half-way through this lunch period, the Gulag style oppressive infantry line known only as the 'lunch duty teachers' would march in stone faced, whistles in hand. They would then blow these whistles (no lie) at the children who were helpless to defend ourselves against their deafening banter. Not only that, but we were only 7 years old, and the fascist party had far too strong of an iron grip around our perverbial throats. So, this secret police style death squad would march into the cafeteria, blow their God-awful whistles of oppression, and shout "SILENT LUNCH." That's all of your cues to be mortified. Thats right, these fascist pig sons of bitches FORCED 7, 8, and 9 year old children to be SILENT DURING LUNCH. Does this seem almost INCOMPREHENSIBLE to anyone else?! But oh wait, it gets worse. Furthermore, this police state created in an elementary school cafeteria was patroled by the 'lunch duty teachers,' pacing up and down the isles SEARCHING for offenders of the silent lunch. Now, in our cafeteria existed a performing stage, aptly titled: "The Stage." Offenders of silent lunch would be tapped on the shoulder and told "Get on the stage." From there the 7 year old child was forced to take a walk of shame and sit on the steps of the stage in HUMILIATION in front of the entire grade for TALKING. For exercising their GOD-GIVEN right to converse with their peers in some form of socialization! But not only that, if you were sent to the stage, you were NOT ALLOWED TO PARTICIPATE IN RECESS! We were forced to be SILENT for 10 to 15 minutes STRAIGHT. Thats damn near torture for a child of that age. The purpose of this sick twisted ritualistic form of torture?! No one knows. That's because there is no point. It's civic molding by the fascist party to turn their children into numb, brain-dead, order following scags perfect for manipulation. One word sums up this disgusting act of torture: sick. It's sick. Difficult to read about, isn't it? I know, it was even more difficult to experience. I wake up at night in cold sweats not knowing where I am from the 15 minutes PERGATORY I was forced to go through every single day. Not only me, but every child who attended elementary school in the oh-so-wonderful town of West Bridgewater. From what I understand silent lunch is still implemented. If there is any love for God or country left in this world, than it is our MORAL OBLIGATION to bring silent lunch to an end. Make the nightmares stop for me and the plethora of other children forced under the hammer of fascism. I refuse to let another generation of children experience this, join with me. Fight the system.

-Violence solves problems.

-The Monorail episode of The Simpsons is just absolutely hilarious from beginning to end. Now, I have of course seen this episode countless times, but only after a long period of not viewing the episode did I finally grow to appreciate it as much as I should. Honest, just non-stop hilarity, every single moment leads to side splitting laughter. I'm going to be bold here, The Simpsons is the greatest television show of all time. So in conclusion, Mono means one, and rail means rail. And that concludes our extensive three week course.

-O.J. is guilty.

-Few things turn me on more than an ERA under two.

-I like to hit women during sex. And not during sex.

-"All a man's got is the integrity of his work." -Ralph Wiley. A fitting quote for my thoughts, aspirations, and beliefs (except for the battering women comments... sort of).

-It sucks when you eat oreos and get that black stuff on your teeth.

-The girl from The Karate Kid looks like Lynette Andrews.

-Lifetime: Television for Idiots.

-Bob Ueker is the man.

-Bob Costas, on the other hand, can lick my hairy grundle.

-OMG, SS!

-Pitchers batting? It's just not American.

-© Copyright Mark Tamulionis 2001 - 2007-